A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1.  Sip the vodka - don't gulp.
2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.  there are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6.  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the last J.C.
7.  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9.  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We don't refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is ma body."
     He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not, 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.'
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling at St. Peter's, not e peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2. Memo to men

from "The Sun" before Xmas

---

3. Whose Job?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebedy would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

---

4. Welches Schwein?

Sorry, but it is impossible to translate this!  Nevertheless - things like this in the english language are always welcome